A Discourse on the Identification and Capturing of Trolls- Guest Blog by David Turner

Though these days I am but a university student, in the days of my youth I was, in fact, a troll hunter. Katrina has asked me to outline a few important facts about trolls, in her award-winning and critically-acclaimed blog.


Trolls, often thought to be the stuff of legend, live surprisingly close to home. Indeed, it is most likely that if you have crossed a fair few bridges in your lifetime, you have probably unwittingly wandered over the lair of one of these nasty but secretive creatures.


Katrina: "Misunderstood?"
David: "They're not misunderstood, they're just evil."


Of course, not all bridges conceal trolls. There are certain qualities that a bridge must have to make it suitable for troll habitation:

• Location: The bridge must be over water. At least a babbling brook, but a shallow river is simply perfect. Trolls love the damp conditions that come with living in such a place, and the necessity of the bridge makes it a perfect place to catch easy prey.

Katrina: "What about the bridges that go over train lines?"

Dave: "Trolls don't live in such noisy and well-visited locations. Those bridges are home to Ghouls."

Katrina: "And what is the difference between a Troll and a Ghoul?"

Dave: "Ghouls are more wiry, and..."

Katrina: "Trolls are fat, and they carry clubs?"

Dave: "Mmm. Ghouls carry no arms."

• Construction: The bridge will preferably be wooden (so as to create that eerie creaking sound) but it is essential that the bridge is made of slats, with little gaps in between each one. Trolls love to reconnoitre their prey.

Katrina: "And look up girls' skirts."

• Frequency of prey: Trolls are hunting creatures, and they need to eat, and that means clubbing an unsuspecting goat or child and eating them. A bridge that carries too much foot traffic will make hunting and remaining hidden quite difficult, while a bridge that is too secluded could result in long periods without sustenance. A balance must be found.

You know now where to find a troll, but how will you know one when you see one?


Katrina: "You would not want to mistake a large person carrying a baseball bat with a troll."


Trolls vary greatly in size, from your mischievous 4' trolls, to the legendary 9 and a half foot behemoth One-Tooth, who was rumoured to dwell in the pylons beneath the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Most trolls are between 6 and 7 feet tall however, and are quite rotund.


Katrina: "They mostly have beer guts and man-boobs. Are there female ones? There have to be female ones."
Dave: "No, they just spawn out of the mud."
Katrina: "What colour are trolls?"


Trolls are usually of a blue or green hue, a clever camouflage mechanism for the partially-aquatic beasts. Their big wooden clubs however, are not camouflaged, and stick out like a sore thumb. They are thus concealed until needed.


You now know where to find them, and how to identify them. So how does one hunt a troll? Here's a list of some necessary equipment, and what you'll be using it for:


A Net: And a big one at that. There is so much we don't yet know about trolls, and cryptozoologists need healthy specimens to observe in captivity.


Cupcakes: Yes, cupcakes. These delicious treats have a hypnotic effect on trolls, not only for their wonderful taste, but also because of their brightly-coloured decorations, the hues of which are a truly rare sight for these denizens of the dark.


Helmet: Those clubs aren't for show. They will swing them, and they will swing them at your melon. I suggest using an American football helmet, but a motorcycle helmet will work in a pinch, as long as you don't mind the weight and reduced visibility.


Katrina: "Can't you tase them?"
Dave: "Tase them?! Please dear, be humane."


The most important thing to bring with you however, is your wits. Trolls are surprisingly wily, and will try to deceive and trick you at every turn. They'll say there's something on your shirt, when there's not. They'll point at something behind you to try and make you look at it. Do not fall for these. You will get bopped on the noggin with a club.


One final question remains however; why do we hunt trolls? The answer is twofold. As mentioned above, there is a certain quest for knowledge associated with all cryptozoological pursuits, and there is so much we as a society have to learn about these magical creatures. Far more pressing now, however, are the safety concerns associated with trolls. Free-roaming goats are becoming rarer and rarer, leading trolls to snack more on the human population, and if these trolls aren't relocated to safer areas, it is society at large that will suffer.